Nostalgia

Today while I was washing dishes, and let me tell you how fantastic it is to belly up to the sink and not feel the aching in my back and legs, I felt what reminded me of a foot in my belly. I'm sure it was just gas moving around in my intestines but for just a second I was oblivious and put my hand to my stomach. It took just a moment to remember that there isn't anyone in there anymore. The incident got me to thinking though about how long it takes to transfer your mind to a non-pregnant state after living there for 9 months.

I am sure that I'm done having children. I am insanely happy with my family and my two little babies. I have no more desire to be pregnant. It's just not there anymore. Any doubts I had after Isabella are gone. I was so worried after we made the decision to be "done" when she was an infant that I would change my mind. After all, I'm only 30 years old. I could have babies for the next 10-15 years and I'm awful young to be sure that this is it forever. And yet, that burning desire I've felt to reproduce for the past 10 years is just.....gone. I'm so content it's sort of sickening.

But for one tiny little glimmer of a moment this morning I was a little nostalgic. I'll never feel those kicks again. Never have tiny baby feet prodding my skin, wondering what's on the other side. Never anticipate the birth, never give the last push, never hold a tiny, slippery newborn. I'm really comfortable with that choice, but I was just the slightest bit sad. It really is just the moment amazing thing in the world.

I will content myself with helping other women bring new life into the world. I will enjoy being a part of the miracle over and over again. My experiences over the past 5 months have shaped the sort of midwife I will become; I think for the better.

Some day I will lay my hands upon my own daughter's abdomens and feel the turmoil from the outside and smile with wonder. I muse today if I will even remember what it felt like so many years before. I pray I do.