Right on Cue

The twins were 4 months old yesterday and as usual, I'm starting to see my hair fall out and my cycles come back. Sigh.

I have really been feeling like a lump of yuck this past couple days. I had raging headaches all last week and it didn't occur to me that it was my cycles coming back until I got that icky bloated and cranky feeling on Saturday. Suddenly I went from feeling pretty good about myself to feeling like the grossest, ugliest, fattest, most disgusting mom on the face of the planet. This is a pretty good indication I am suffering from PMS. I had some fertile looking mucous about 10-12 days ago so I don't know why it was unexpected. I may not actually get a period (I usually don't until 5 months) but I for sure am seeing the signs. Ben hasn't been liking the taste of my milk lately either and I bet that's related as well. He actually spit my nipple out and gagged the other day. Gee, thanks buddy. Make me feel good!

And we're all covered in my hair! GAH! I hate this part the most, I think. Well, that and my uterus suddenly becoming huge again and making me look like I'm 5 months pregnant. I could do without those two things. It's funny that JUST when I start to feel like I'm really getting back to my normal self I am reminded (yet again) that I just bore children and I am no where close to being out of the postpartum period.

And yet, while I cannot stand my frizzly, scant hair and how it makes me look (my mother would call it 'gravel gerty') I am in no rush to get far, far away from the 4 month period. That's because my babies are so. stinkin. cute. Seriously! I've never had such adorable little children (and Izzy is darn cute). They are so easy, so laid back, sleep so well, and are all smiles and giggles and cuteness. I am just loving this time before they get really mobile and then turn into evil toddlers. I don't know how I got so lucky but I'm very grateful. All you have to do to get smiles and 'happy wiggles' is walk in the room! They get so excited when I coo "it's the TWO BABIES" at them.

I was trying to explain how I feel about this to Laura last night and I'm not sure I came up with the correct words. I have this sort of melancholy feeling about them being my last babies. I have no desire to have more children (although when I attend a birth I think 'how am I never going to do this again'!?). I am finally done and feel very complete. The day Dave had his vasectomy I felt sadness and longing but not in a poignant way. I just want to cherish this time. Relish these babies. I know they will grow up long before I am ready. I was snuggling Claire last night, smelling her head and thinking to myself--she'll never, ever remember this but I will never, ever forget it. I want to hold that moment in my brain for the rest of my life. The way her soft head felt again my cheek, her sweet baby scent, the soft cooing noises....it makes me ache to think it will be gone so soon. And yet, there is no desire to replace it with another. I am ready to move past the baby age and explore the new family we have before us. As I type Isabella is climbing me like some sort of Mountain That Types and when I remove her from me she throws things at me. Yes, I'm ready to move beyond this! LOL! To enjoy it one last time and then move on to the next stage life has in store. But my will I miss these sweet moments.